I don’t know the answer to that question, but in my opinion this example from last week’s Private Eye comes pretty close. It made me laugh out loud anyway! :)
Follow @telescoperAuthor Archive
What makes a perfect cartoon?
Posted in Art with tags cartoon, Private Eye on June 18, 2014 by telescoperThe Bomb that wasn’t..
Posted in Biographical with tags Battersea Park, Complete Shambles, Southern Rail, Travel, Victoria on June 17, 2014 by telescoperYesterday I travelled back from Cardiff to Brighton via London. Nothing particularly remarkable about that usually, although I am a bit jinxed when it comes to rail travel, and the first half of the journey was indeed fairly straightforward. I left Cardiff at 13.25 and reached London just after 3.30. Not being in a hurry and the weather being reasonable I decided to find out how long it would take to walk from Paddington to Victoria instead of taking the Underground. The answer is about 30 minutes. It’s also quite a nice walk through Hyde Park along the side of the Serpentine and then down to Victoria via Grosvenor Place. I was there just after 4pm.
Anyway, when I got to Victoria there was a huge crowd of people standing outside the station. I thought it was a bit early for the rush hour, but entered the station anyway. All the departure screens were blank. No trains in or out of Victoria for the foreseeable future. Shit.
I asked a policeman in the station what was going on and he told me that an unexploded bomb had been found near the track at Battersea Park just over the river from Victoria. The emergency services were looking into it and until they’d declared it safe no trains could pass it. He advised me to get to London Bridge station and take a Brighton train from there, but the tube station was inaccessible owing to the crowds and when I checked on my mobile it was obvious that no trains were moving from there anyway. I decided I had no choice but to wait for the problem to clear.
I went outside and waited, chatting to some of the others who were stuck like I was. After about an hour I went back inside and almost immediately a Brighton train appeared on the display screen. Platform 17. Hundreds of passengers crowded onto it until it was absolutely packed, standing room only and not much of that. Then the lights went out. Ten minutes later we were all told to get off and get on the train on Platform 16 instead. We did.
I had actually found a seat on the first train, which meant I was one of the last people off it when we had to move. I was standing on the second one as it trundled out of Victoria. Still, at least I was leaving. It was about 17.20, over an hour after I arrived in Victoria.
The train called at Clapham Junction, where more people tried to get on but couldn’t because we were already so full it was clearly dangerous. Similar story at East Croydon. Then we were approaching Gatwick Airport. We were held at a signal for about ten minutes when the driver announced that the train wouldn’t go to Brighton after all, but terminate at Gatwick.
When things like that happen you get the feeling that the train operators are deliberately making things as bad as possible. We were all heavily delayed already, so a decision was taken to make us even later. I was fuming.
Many people with flights to catch went into Gatwick airport, but I had to make my way against the tide to Platform 7, where the next train to Brighton was due just after six. It was an already overcrowded First Capital Connect train into which I had to squeeze. I stood all the way to Brighton, which took the best part of an hour. I got to Brighton station shortly before 7pm, almost three hours after I arrived at Victoria. People can cycle from London to Brighton in less time than that.
Now it transpires that the bomb at Battersea Park wasn’t a bomb at Battersea Park. It was a leaking gas cylinder. Had the police been confused or were they simply trying to make it seem more exciting than it was?
After I got home I continued to follow Southern Rail on Twitter. Although the bomb/gas cylinder was cleared by 5pm, the chaos on the railways continued until late at night, with cancellations across the entire network as the operations manager made panicky decisions that made a small emergency into a total implosion of the rail service. Heads should roll for this kind of screw-up, but I doubt they will.
Follow @telescoperTime does not bring relief
Posted in Poetry with tags Edna St Vincent Millay, Poetry, Sonnet, Time does not bring relief on June 17, 2014 by telescoperTime does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.
by Edna St Vincent Millay (1892-1950).
Follow @telescoper
A Great Test
Posted in Cricket with tags cricket, England, Lord's, Sri Lanka on June 16, 2014 by telescoperJust back to Brighton from a short break, part of which (Saturday) I spent at Lords Cricket Ground watching Day 3 of the First Test between England and Sri Lanka.
England had been put in to bat on the first morning and has wobbled early on, but had rallied strongy with young Joe Root scoring 200 not out as they reached 575 for 9 before declaring on Day 2. Sri Lanka batted, needing 375 to avoid the follow-on.
The morning of Day 3 found Sri Lanka resuming on 140-1. Conditions were a bit murky and it drizzled for much of the morning, but not to the extent that it interrupted play. Sri Lanka, especially the excellent Sangakkara, batted with resilience and resourcefulness, as the England bowlers struggled to take wickets on a flat and rather lifeless pitch. The swing of Anderson didn’t threaten as much as I expected in the overcast conditions. The all-rounder Ali was reasonably tidy as a bowler but didn’t cause many alarms, though he did take the wicket of Sangakkara. Broad and Plunkett were fast and aggressive but the latter was a bit unlucky only to take one wicket.
Fortunately at Lords there are plenty of distractions during the intervals or when the cricket is slow, including jazz from The Outswingers and a school band at lunchtime.
The batsman passed the follow-on target for the loss of only six wickets and as I headed from the ground the game seemed to be heading for a high-scoring draw.
Sri Lanka were eventually out for 453 on Day 4 and England, batting again, wobbled again, in deep trouble at 123 for 6. A fine hundred from Ballance and some good batting from the lower order took them to 267 for 8 at the close, a lead of 389. England declared overnight.
There was talk about Alastair Cook’s captaincy over this, some suggesting he should have declared earlier. For what it’s worth I would have done exactly what Cook did. Sri Lanka are a good batting side, and well capable of scoring 300 in a day on such a good pitch.
So Day 5 saw Sri Lanka needing 390 to win off the 90 overs to be bowled or, more realistically, to bat all day to draw the game. They showed no inclination to go for the runs but batted well defensively for most of the day. A draw looked inevitable in mid-afternoon.
But then, as is so often the case in Test cricket, there was a dramatic twist. Wickets started to fall. Suddenly Sri Lanka were 170 for 5, with both their best batsmen (Sangakkara and Jayawardene) out. More wickets fell, but time was ticking away. Then came the last over, with Sri Lanka on 201 for 8. After five relatively sedate days everything now hinged on the final six balls.
Broad struck with the first ball. Sri Lanka 201 for 9. Only one wicket needed for England to win. Could Sri Lanka hang on!
Broad bowled to the tailender Herath. There was an appeal for lbw. Up went the umpire’s finger. England had won with just a few balls left of the day’s play.
Or had they? No. Sri Lanka used a review. Herath had hit the ball. Not out. Sri Lanka survived. Match drawn.
It’s hard to explain to people who don’t know cricket how a game can last for five days and end in a draw, and that can be exciting. But great Test match like this one prove that it is true. Credit to both teams for playing their parts.
A Test Match is like a Symphony in which the slow movement is just as important as the finale. Without the five days preceding it, the drama of that final over wouldn’t have been anything like as intense.
Follow @telescoperPass List Party
Posted in Biographical, Education with tags examination results, School of Mathematical and Physical Sciences, University of Sussex on June 13, 2014 by telescoperWell, as I mentioned yesterday the pass lists for students in the School of Mathematical and Physical Sciences at the University of Sussex went up at noon. Students and staff started to gather a bit in advance and we also made a few preparations for the celebration ..
When the results were wheeled out there was an immediate scrum accompanied by plentiful popping of Prosecco corks.
I’d just like to congratulate all our students on their success. The results were truly excellent this year. Enjoy the moment and be proud of their achievement. I suspect that many will have been enjoying the day out in the sunshine perhaps even with a small intake of alcoholic refreshment. I on the other hand have been at Senate all afternoon. But I’m not bitter…
Follow @telescoperThe Busyness of Examination Time
Posted in Biographical, Education with tags assessment, degrees, Examinations, Physics & Astronomy, Stanmer House, University of Sussex on June 12, 2014 by telescoperJust time this evening for the briefest of brief posts. This is probably the busiest week of the year at the University of Sussex, and it’s not over yet. The main reason for this busyness is the business of examinations, assessment and degree classification.
This morning we had our meeting of the School Progression and Award Board for Years 3 and 4 at which, among other things, we sorted out the classification for honours of our graduating students. This involves distilling the marks gained over several years of assessments down to a final “Grand Mean”. It’s not a trivial process but I’m glad to say it went off very smoothly.
The pass lists have now gone to be officially signed off by the University administration. They will be posted tomorrow at noon, at which time we’ll have a celebratory drink or several ready for those getting their results.
One of my duties as Head of School is to chair this meeting, but I don’t take credit for the successful running of the meeting because all the hard work of preparation was done by our excellent office staff, especially Oonagh and Chrystelle.
That done there was time for a quick sandwich lunch before heading off to Stanmer House for a teaching “away afternoon” for the Department of Physics & Astronomy, at which we discussed ideas for improvements to the way we teach and assess students.
I’m actually in the group sitting under the parasol in the left foreground.
Stanmer House is set in beautiful parkland just a short walk from Sussex University. I took the more strenuous route over the hill, but am glad I did so because the view was so nice in the glorious sunshine and it made be realise I don’t make as much of the opportunity for walking around the campus as I should.
Tomorrow is going to be another busy day but, if you’ll excuse me, I’m now going to have a glass of chilled white wine and a bite to eat.
Follow @telescoperChanging the framework for industrial policy
Posted in Finance, Science Politics with tags Mariana Mazzucuto, Research Funding, research grants, The Entrepreneurial State on June 11, 2014 by telescoperHere’s another one of the showcases of research from Sussex University. This one features Professor Mariana Mazzucato who debunks the myth of the state as a bureaucratic nanny that stifles creativity in industry, and instead recognizes the vital role of state-led investment in driving innovation and shaping and creating new markets from the internet to biotech to clean tech.
For what it’s worth this gives me an excuse to a view that I’ve expressed before that “commercially useful” research should not be funded by the taxpayer through research grants. If it’s going to pay off in the short term it should be funded by private investors or venture capitalists of some sort. Dragon’s Den, even. When the public purse is so heavily constrained, it should only be asked to fund those things that can’t in practice be funded any other way. That means long-term, speculative, curiosity driven research. You know, things like science…
This is pretty much the opposite of what the Treasury thinks. It wants to concentrate public funds in projects that can demonstrate immediate commercial potential. Taxpayer’s money used in this way ends up in the pockets of entrepreneurs if the research succeeds and, if it doesn’t, the grant will have been wasted if the research does not have any long-term fundamental significance. My proposal, therefore, is to phase out research grants for groups that want to concentrate on commercially motivated research and replace them with research loans. If the claims they make to secure the advance are justified they should have no problem repaying it from the profits they make from patent income or other forms of exploitation. If not, then they will have to pay back the loan from their own funds (as well as being exposed as bullshit merchants). In the current economic situation the loans could be made at very low interest rates and still save a huge amount of the current research budget for higher education. Indeed after a few years – suggest the loans should be repayable in 3-5 years, it would be self-financing. I think a large fraction of research in the Applied Sciences and Engineering should be funded in this way.
The money saved by replacing grants to commercially driven research groups with loans could be re-invested in those areas where public investment is really needed, such as pure science and medicine. Here grants are needed because the motivation for the research is different. Much of it does, in fact, lead to commercial spin-offs, but that is accidental and likely to appear only in the very long term. The real motivation of doing this kind of research is to enrich the knowledge base of the UK and the world in general. In other words, it’s for the public good. Remember that?
If it’s fair to ask students to contribute to their teaching, it’s fair to ask commercial companies to pay for the research that they exploit. Just as student grants should be re-introduced for certain disciplines, so should research loans be introduced for others. You know it makes sense.
However, if you want to tell me why it doesn’t, via the comments box, please feel free!
Follow @telescoperTräume
Posted in Music with tags Kirsten Flagstad, Richard Wagner, Träume, Wesendonck Lieder on June 11, 2014 by telescoperI know this old record is a bit crackly, but just listen to the voice! This is the wondrous Kirsten Flagstad, recorded in 1948 with Gerald Moore on piano, singing Träume, the last of the five Wesendonck Lieder by Richard Wagner.
As a person Wagner was definitely a complete shit, but you have to admit he wrote some beautiful music. Perhaps there really is some good in every person…
Follow @telescoperThe Theatre – by Rik Mayall
Posted in Poetry with tags Poetry, Rik Mayall, The Theatre on June 10, 2014 by telescoperRest in Peace, Rik Mayall (1958-2014).
Follow @telescoperMathematics and Meningococcal Meningitis
Posted in Education, Science Politics with tags Konstantin Blyuss, mathematics, Meningococcal Meningitis, Research Excellence Framework, Schoolf of Mathematical and Physical Sciences on June 9, 2014 by telescoperLast week I attended a very enjoyable and informative event entitled Excellence with Impact that showcased some of the research that the University of Sussex submitted to the 2014 Research Excellence Framework. One of the case studies came from the Department of Mathematics which is part of the School of Mathematical and Physical Sciences (of which I am Head) so I thought I would showcase it here too:
The description from Youtube reads
Meningococcal meningitis is a debilitating and deadly disease, causing an estimated 10,000 deaths annually in endemic areas of sub-Saharan Africa. A novel mathematical model developed by Sussex researcher Dr Konstantin Blyuss and colleagues has helped explain the patterns of the dynamics of meningococcal meningitis in endemic areas. This model is now being used by epidemiologists and clinical scientists to design and deliver efficient public-health policies to combat this devastating disease.
You can find out more by following this link.
Follow @telescoper






