In the Dark

As the festive season approaches, the UK government has decided  to make immediate changes to the  procedures to be followed for the allocation and distribution of yuletide gifts. In previous years, such awards have been made  directly by the agency involved, e.g. proposals within the STFC  remit have been directly Sent To Father Christmas, often in hand-written format. However, to cut costs improve the quality of service, it has been decided to extend the operations of the Shared Services Centre to cover such applications, which will henceforth be administered by a Shared Santa Claus (SSC), after being uploaded to the JES system (in Word 95 format only). They will then be sent to relevant experts for peer review, i.e. the Advent Gift Panel (AGP).

In preparing submissions, Applicants should note the following  important revisions to AGP guidelines.

Proposals must include:

1. The aims and scope of the presents requested and any interrelation between them, where appropriate.
2. The areas in which the Applicants have a proven track-record in the general area of not being naughty, including (where appropriate) highlights of particularly good behaviour within the last three years.
3. The support  already provided to the Applicants with particular emphasis on recent investments that are relevant to the gifts requested.
4. How the Applicants will be advanced as a result of the proposed present.
5. How the  requested present  fits within the international context, i.e. is it of comparable quality to the best gifts available overseas?
6. The likely impact of the present (e.g. when thrown around the living room).
7. How you expect the present to evolve over the next three years, e.g. is it likely to break or need repair?
8. The level of resources needed to supply the present.
9. How the gift will contribute to the UK economy over the next thirty years.

The following supplementary rules also apply:

1. Consumables will be allocated using a formula based on the number of FTE awarded, to include (per FTE): one Bernard Matthews Turkey Twizzler, three sprouts, 2 potatoes (including one roast if the case justifies such extravagance), and one small carrot/parsnip. Gravy is expected to be provided from local resources.
2. Christmas puddings and/or mince pies are covered by a different  programme (overseen by the Hefty Pudding Committee, HPC)  and will require a separate application; a Cheese Board may also be convened if there is sufficient demand.
3. Requests for crackers are welcomed, as long as the proposal is not entirely crackers.
4. Travel expenses will be limited to the cost of one sleigh ride (weather permitting).
5. Batteries will not be included.
6. Under no circumstances will funding be allocated for the purchase of paperweights.
7. Each proposal  must be accompanied by a Knowledge Exchange case, explaining the impact of the proposal outside the STFC remit.
8. Each proposal must be accompanied by an Outreach case outlining any public activities,  such as carol singing.

The deadline for applications is Friday 14th December 2012. In line with normal shambolically inefficient SSC practice, awards are expected to be made sometime in April (2014).

I hope this clarifies the situation.