Archive for the Columbo Category

Pix Mix

Posted in Columbo, The Universe and Stuff with tags , , on March 7, 2010 by telescoper

I just remembered that while I was at CERN last week I took a few crummy pics with my phone, so I thought I’d stick them on here.

This first one is actually of the control room of the ATLAS experiment, but it looked to me rather like the inside of a betting shop.

These two were taken in the facility where they test the magnets for the Large Hadron Collider. Each section of superconducting thingummyjig is about 10 metres long; the whole thing is 27km long so that’s a lot of sections! Although the magnets carry a huge current – 10,000 Amps – since they’re superconducting they have no resistance and therefore dissipate no power. However, they have to be kept at liquid helium temperatures, which does require quite a lot of power.

I like the sign on the second one: RISK OF LIQUID AIR.

Finally, here’s the most important one. While I am away Columbo is looked after by a lady called Helen who sends me daily updates. Here is Columbo in a characteristic pose.

Feed me. Feed me NOW!

New Cats on the Block

Posted in Columbo with tags , on February 25, 2010 by telescoper

Having a slightly later than usual breakfast this morning, I noticed two feline intruders in the garden. I’ve never seen either of them before so it was quite a shock.

One of them was a stunningly sleek black cat with spectacular orange-coloured eyes. This one is clearly a very cool animal, sitting elegantly on the shed roof  and surveying the scene below with apparent disdain. The other one was totally different: a tortoiseshell  with white patches, young and quite slightly built, with a small face but big ears and a very large nose. Most comically of all, cat number two had disproportionately large feet to the extent that she (?) looked like she was wearing white boots.  I went out to try to take a picture, but they both did off like greased lightning as soon as I went outside.

Columbo didn’t pay them much attention, so maybe they’re regular visitors and I only noticed them this morning because I’m on a different routine, heading off to the airport instead of going to work. I’m sure if they went anywhere near his food it would be a different story.

Anyway, this little episode reminded me to let Columbo’s many admirers know that he’s doing fine. He’s spending more time outside now that the worst of the winter appears to be over (?) and seems to be in good spirits. I promise to post some pictures when I get back. I know I’ve promised before but I keep forgetting.

Of the Last Verses in the Book

Posted in Biographical, Columbo, Poetry with tags , , , on February 5, 2010 by telescoper

I was having some quality Columbo time last night, giving my old moggy a good going-over with his favourite brush while watching a DVD featuring the detective with the  same name. Columbo (the cat) loves being brushed with a metal brush, especially on his head and his face. If I stop he grabs hold of it and pulls it back onto his muzzle as if to say “All right then, I’ll do it myself.” He likes such a firm application of the brush that it seems incredible to me that it doesn’t hurt him, but he clearly enjoys it,  so what the hell…

When I’d finished he looked even more handsome than usual, but as he sat next to me on the sofa I reflected on the fact that he is starting to show his age a bit especially around the face – possibly owing to his penchant for the brush! Nowadays his purring sounds more like snoring, his kittenish moments are rarer and crotchety episodes a bit more common. He also gets stiffness in his legs from time to time, which the vet attributes to rheumatism and, although it doesn’t cause him actual pain, this problem  makes him a lot less active than he used to be.  Still, he has a right to take things easy. He’ll be 16 next month, which is quite a venerable age for a Tom cat.

I’ve been feeling pretty old myself this week,  probably caused by fatigue associated with the onset of lecturing. All that walking up and down and waving your arms about can be quite tiring, I can tell you. Not sleeping much might have something to do with it too. I’m also feeling miserable because I  need new spectacles,  another sign of ongoing physical deterioration.  I’ve got less excuse for feeling my age than Columbo, however, as I’m only 46. I think that’s only about 6 in cat years!

However, getting older definitely has its good points too.  Twenty years ago I would never have envisaged myself sitting at home reading dusty old poetry books rather than going out to some sleazy nightclub, but the cardigan, carpet slippers and Columbo are suiting me just fine these days. Next week I’m going to go wild and have a night at the Opera, something that always makes me feel young. I may be no chicken, but I’m still younger than the average  opera-goer!

I haven’t posted any poems for a few days, so here’s one that seems to fit. It’s by a relatively obscure poet and politician called Edmund Waller. The wikipedia page about him isn’t very complimetary about his talents as a poet, but he is at least credited with having pioneered the use of heroic couplets in English verse. His biography is interesting too. He narrowly escaped being executed in 1643, during the English Civil War,  and was instead imprisoned in the Tower of London. He was only released after paying a fine of £10,000 – a truly enormous amount of money for the time. Although banished on his release, he subsequently returned to politics and lived to the ripe old age of 81.

Although his poetry is very unfashionable, this one is quite well known and – I think – rather marvellous, especially the last verse which puts me in mind of the lines from Leonard Cohen‘s great song Anthem:

There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

The poem is called Of the Last Verses in the Book.

When we for age could neither read nor write,
The subject made us able to indite.
The soul, with nobler resolutions deckt,
The body stooping, does herself erect:
No mortal parts are requisite to raise
Her, that unbodied can her Maker praise.

The seas are quiet, when the winds give o’er,
So calm are we, when passions are no more:
For then we know how vain it was to boast
Of fleeting things, so certain to be lost.
Clouds of affection from our younger eyes
Conceal that emptiness, which age descries.

The soul’s dark cottage, batter’d and decay’d,
Lets in new light through chinks that time has made;
Stronger by weakness, wiser men become
As they draw near to their eternal home:
Leaving the old, both worlds at once they view,
That stand upon the threshold of the new

(And, please, no jokes about “cottages”….)

Christmas Cats

Posted in Columbo with tags , on December 30, 2009 by telescoper

Since the end of the year is drawing near and I’m not in the mood for writing anything strenuous, I thought I’d post a short update about Columbo. When I went up to Newcastle on Christmas Eve I left him in the capable hands of an expert pet-sitter, who obviously took good care of him as he was in fine fettle when I arrived back on 27th December. He’s since returned to his routine of eating and sleeping and appears to be well.

 

He’s going to be 16 on March 31st 2010, which is pretty old for a tom cat. It’s hard to believe he’s been with me for so long. Alhough he’s slowed down quite a bit over the years, he still has his moments as you can see from the picture above, which I found yesterday on my old mobile phone. It shows the scene of a recent crime, although the perpetrator appears to have made no attempt to effect a getaway. Judging by the squashed state of the decedent, I’d say the cause of death might well have been being sat on. Columbo hasn’t caught many mice or other rodents and hasn’t made much attempt to eat them on those rare occasions when he has managed to nab one. This particular victim is still basically in one piece, although clearly it has seen the last of its days.

Back in Newcastle I had the chance to see again the three cats that employ my mum to look after them. They’re all female cats, very small and dainty ones, and I’d guess that if you added them together they still wouldn’t weigh as much as Columbo. The oldest one is called Lucy, and she’s also the friendliest and most communicative. She’s also particularly fond of shoelaces. Then there’s Tilly and Daisy, who are much quieter. There’s a curious kind of hierarchy of power amongst them though, because Lucy is quite scared of Daisy who must be the boss of the house.  I couldn’t help wondering how Columbo would have got on had I taken up there to see them all. There would have been skin and hair flying, of course but, although he’s a big galoot, I wouldn’t put money on him winning a fight against any other cat no matter how small. He’s too much of a softie.

Les Feuilles Mortes

Posted in Biographical, Columbo with tags , , , on November 16, 2009 by telescoper

After the strain of writing a long post about something halfway interesting yesterday, as well as spending most of today at work composing and sending out  umpteen letters of recommendation for various people’s job applications, I haven’t got the energy to write very much today. However, I was reminded at the weekend that it’s been a while since I posted anything about Columbo.

It’s almost two months in fact since I took the moggy to the vets to have another blood sample extracted, although I think he extracted more from the vet and her assistant than they got from him. They phoned me a day or two later to say that his blood sugar levels were fine and he didn’t need to go back for six months or so.

We’ve settled back into normality, except that I’m keeping a specially close eye on his food intake since the vet declared him officially obese. He’s lost about 350g since he’s been on the current diet, so it’s working. He’s more affectionate too, at least when it’s time for the grub. Cupboard love, I think it’s called.

After a couple of generally fine and temperate months in September and October, we’ve suddenly hit a patch of decidedly inclement weather this November. Over the weekend a fairly intense storm passed over the UK, heavy rainfall causing floods here and there and high winds causing problems in a number of areas. Cardiff is fairly sheltered so the winds didn’t do much serious damage here – at least not that I noticed – apart from bringing down what was left of the leaves on the trees in the surrounding streets and in the park. The effect of the pouring rain on the fallen leaves has been to produce an unpleasant slippy  brown sludge on the paths and pavements.

Columbo has a bit of a thing about windy days and leaves. He always seems to enjoy going out into the garden when it’s blowing a gale. He gets very skittish and chases things about as if he were a youngster again. Well, for a few minutes at least. The recent storms have curtailed this fun a bit. I don’t think there’s much excitement in playing with a pile of soggy leaves stuck to the ground compared to nice dry ones floating in the air.

Columbo isn’t spending so much time outside these days because when he does venture forth he’s as likely as not to come back soaking. Then he usually comes straight to me, leaving a trail of muddy footprints and jumps up covering me with mud and twigs. Once he was so filthy when he came in I had to put him in the shower, although I just sponged him off rather than turning it full on. He’d probably have a heart attack if I did that.

Although the weather has reduced his options, Columbo’s life still seems to present many challenges for him. The main one these days is where to sleep. In the summer he’d quite often snooze outside on the lawn, on the decking or under a bush in the garden. Now these are no longer viable, he still has important decisions as to where to take his repose.

Columbo has four main places to sleep inside the house, and he seems to visit them in the same order each day like a drowsy student moving from one lecture theatre to another. At night he sleeps in a basket in the dining room. After breakfast, and the brief period of wakefulness that follows it, he moves into the sitting room (I think because it catches the sun in the mornings).  In the afternoons he likes the space under the window in the spare bedroom and then in the evenings he likes the mat next to the bath.

He sometimes interrupts his busy schedule of napping to climb onto the sofa, usually when I’m trying to read or do the crossword, to snuggle up and to sleep again always in what looks like an impossibly uncomfortable position.

That’s just about all there is to report for now. Soon, if I can be bothered, I’ll be putting up a Christmas tree. That usually produces a generous batch of  hilarious moments because he likes to play with the decorations, especially if they’re reflective, batting them about to the point of destruction. But I’ll leave that for next time.

By the way, he often sleeps on his back like this. It’s quite strange for a cat, I think.

The Cat in the Box

Posted in Columbo with tags , on September 25, 2009 by telescoper

Today my cat Columbo was due for a trip to the Vets. I have to take him every six months or so for a blood test to check on how his diabetes is progressing. He seemed to be doing fine through the summer so I didn’t anticipate any particular problems when I got up in good time to get him sorted for his 9.10 appointment.

However, the trip didn’t go quite according to plan. For a start, it was a lovely sunny day and, after breakfast, Columbo decided to go out into the garden. Ready to get going, I brought his travel box out after him so I could get him into it. He made it quite clear he’d rather be basking in the morning sunshine than clambering into the box and it took me quite a while to (a) catch him and (b) squeeze him into the necessary receptacle.

At first he growled and hissed with indignation but he seemed settle down once we were under way. Little did I know he was plotting revenge. When I got to the clinic, I realised that a terrible pong was emanating from the cat box. When I opened it up inside the consulting room I realised he’d done a very large and smelly poo.

Sending the box away to be cleaned up by an assistant, the vet prodded and poked the moggy and weighed him, pronouncing him drastically overweight. I do weigh his food out every day but he’s still put on about 500g over the summer. The vet recommended I cut his rations by half until he lost a bit of flab.

Anyway, when the assistant returned from shit-scraping duty she and the vet proceeded to try taking a blood sample. Normally this is done from the neck where the appropriate blood vessels are relatively easy to reach. Columbo has never enjoyed this, but is not normally too hard to handle. This time, however, he wasn’t having any of it. It was impossible for them to hold him still enough long enough to do the necessary so they beat a hasty retreat, regrouped and planned a counter-offensive.

Plan B involved taking the blood from his leg instead. After several attempts and, I have to say, considerable loss of blood on both sides, the vet managed to get a full sample. Columbo went back in the box and would have licked his wounds had both his forelegs not been covered in bandages.

But even that wasn’t the end of it. I went out into reception with the cat safely in his portable house. I waited to pay my bill. As I did so, a lady came in with a young, highly energetic and extremely inquisitive boxer puppy. This little dog had clearly never seen a cat before and went sniffing around Columbo’s box. Said cat sat there quietly until the puppy presented a large, wet and obviously very inviting nose against the front grille whereupon Columbo gave it a straight jab with full claw deployment sending the puppy yelping across the reception.

I apologized profusely to the vets and to the owner of the maimed puppy dog and left as quickly as I could after paying. When I got home Columbo went straight upstairs and under the bed in a sulk. I wonder how much worse he’ll get when he finds out he’s on a diet?

I think his grumpiness may stem from relationship difficulties. A week or so ago he caught a mouse in the garden and was playing with it on the lawn – it was dead by this point. The little lady cat that appears to have befriended Columbo came to investigate. She sat watching him for a while. Then he put the mouse down. Quick as a flash, she darted in, grabbed the mouse, and did off over the fence with it. I haven’t seen her since.

Maybe I should have warned him what women are like.

Birthday Blog

Posted in Columbo on September 16, 2009 by telescoper

It’s crept up on me and I wouldn’t have noticed unless it had been pointed out to me last week. Today, 16th September, is the anniversary of my first ever blog post, so today is this blog’s first birthday.

On behalf of Columbo and myself I thought I’d take this opportunity to thank everyone who has contributed with comments, questions, corrections for my numerous errors, and incoming links which have helped increase my readership to the stratospheric level of 300 hits a day.

Columbo himself was particularly excited by the news of this blog’s birthday, as you can tell from the picture below.

P1010033

In case you’re interested, the most popular post of the year was this one, with more hits than any other by an enormous factor. I realise that I could raise this blog’s profile further by adding similar off-colour content involving sexual innuendo, but I refuse to descend to such a level and will instead celebrate by showing a picture of a hot pussy.

P1010027

The Cat and the Rat

Posted in Columbo on June 16, 2009 by telescoper

I was just about to go to work this morning when I heard a screaming sound from the garden. Thinking that Columbo had suffered another funny turn, I raced back into the house. There he was, sitting in the kitchen, pleased as punch, with a small wriggling animal in his mouth. He dropped it at my feet and it tried to escape by running up my leg. That took me a bit my surprise and I kicked out, sending the furry thing flying against the wall. Stunned, it fell to the ground and Columbo got hold of it again.

A few seconds later he let it go and, using my forensic skills to establish that it was dead (separation of the head from the body is quite a good indicator of death), I took it away before he could dismember it any further. This could have been the small creature that led him a merry dance under the decking some time ago. However, it wasn’t a mouse. The scaly tail proved beyond all doubt that what he’d caught was in fact a baby rat.

I hope its mother doesn’t come looking for it.

Anyway, this is the second remarkable thing that Columbo has experienced in the last few days. The other is that he seems to have acquired a girlfriend. A very pretty lady cat has started calling for him and, unlike all other cats that have entered his domain, Columbo doesn’t mind her at all. There’s not going to be any rumpy-pumpy of course – Columbo was “done” when he was a youngster – but they hang out together quite comfortably, and he cries when she goes away. She can easily jump up and climb over the fence at the back of the garden, whereas Columbo is too old. Still, it’s nice for him to have some company. She’s been here most days. Perhaps he was hoping to impress her with the rat he caught.

The cat that visits Columbo wears a collar and is friendly enough to let me look for her name on it, but there isn’t one there. I’ve decided to call her Maud, because she comes into the garden.

Cat-and-Mouse

Posted in Columbo with tags on June 2, 2009 by telescoper

I haven’t really got time for a long post today, but a couple of people have independently asked me how Columbo is getting on so I think it’s probably a good time for an update.

Since his scary Easter seizure Columbo has recovered extremely well and is doing fine, in fact. I don’t know what caused his little episode, but judging by his recovery it seems unlikely that it could have been a stroke like the vet suggested. He’s enjoying the nice weather and spends most of his time in my little garden these days.  (Incidentally, I’ve got loads of beautiful pink roses at the moment which quite wonderful to look at although they don’t smell very much.)

I’ve had various rather tedious things to do (such as marking examinations and project reports) but the glorious sunshine has allowed me to do these al fresco. When I’m sitting at the garden table, Columbo almost always climbs up and sits next to whatever I’m doing. It can be a bit difficult to get on with him there, especially when I’ve got the computer. When my fingers move over the keys he thinks its a game and tries to catch them with his paw. He also goes walkabout on the keyboard from time leading to some strange passages in my usually flawless prose.

On Sunday I spent a bit of time marking examination scripts but, in the course of doing that I realised that Columbo had found something to attract his attention. My garden table is actually on a piece of decking at the far end of the garden. The cat was sniffing and scratching at the decking in a peculiar way. Eventually I realised that the reason was a scuttling sound coming from underneath: almost certainly a mouse.

Columbo has never been an accomplished predator. I’m sure the few things he has brought into the house died of natural causes, apart from the huge black toad he caught when I was living in Nottingham. The problem with toads is that they secrete poisonous mucus, so Columbo had only just got the thing through the cat flap when he realised it was nasty, dropped it and started to drool from his mouth and cry like a baby. Thinking he had been poisoned when I came to investigate, I immediately rinsed his mouth with salt water which did the trick. It was only then I saw the disgruntled reptile sitting by the kitchen door with hardly a mark on it. I returned it to the garden and Columbo stayed away from toads thereafter.

P1010026

Anyway, the invisible mouse could be heard quite clearly moving to and fro in the invisible space underneath while Columbo followed it about on the surface like a destroyer trying to track a submarine. Finally he located it at the edge of the decking near the fence, where he went berserk scrabbling for the little critter. He didn’t manage to catch it, but it was very funny to watch although he went into a bit of a huff after the disappointment of failing to score a kill.

He has caught mice before – or, more likely, found them – but never really ate them. He always just played with them until they felt to bits and left a pile of guts on the carpet. He’s always been absolutely hopeless with birds too, never getting anywhere near them before they fly away. Until a couple of weeks ago, that is, when I found a dead sparrow in my bed…

There’s plenty of shade in my garden so there are places for him to take shelter from the hot sun. I can’t believe it’s much fun wearing a fur coat in this weather and cats have virtually no way of losing heat: they don’t pant, and only sweat through their paws. Fortunately he’s happy to take it easy and, as long as he’s got plenty of water, there’s no real problem. Cats survive in much hotter environments than this.

Because Columbo is diabetic he’s a bit of a magnet for fleas. The reason is that diabetic animals  have more sugar in their blood, so once fleas get on they have a bonanza. The hot weather and the fact that he’s outside so much of the time means that he’s always likely to pick up fleas and ticks. Fortunately there is an easy treatment for fleas that you dab onto the cat’s neck and it stops them breeding. I gave him a good comb last night and there was no sign of any parasites.

A funny thing happened on the way…

Posted in Columbo with tags , on April 13, 2009 by telescoper

Following yesterday’s emergency trip to the vet with Columbo, I took him back this morning. Although still very woozy from the tranquilizers he’s been having, he is much better this morning and the vet suggested no further action would be needed unless he had another episode. When the latest Diazepam wears off, hopefully he will return to some semblance of normality.

By the way, thanks for all the nice messages on here and on facebook. I really appreciate them.

While I was waiting in the reception area, a guy came in to make an appointment. When the receptionist asked what kind of animal he had, he said “Pet Sheep”. The animal concerned was waiting patiently in the back of his car.

It turns out the owner of this particularly sheep, David Palmer, is something of a celebrity and has even featured on Sky News. He found the sheep abandoned and brought it up as a pet. It lives in his house and is very tame, sitting quietly in the car while people chatted around him. It’s a substantial beast, though. Over 20 stones in fact -that’s 280lbs for any transatlantic readers.

I’ve never thought of sheep as pets. There are pet lambs on farms of course: when their mother has died or rejected them they are typically brought up by humans until they’re ready to go to market. But a full-grown sheep is a sizeable beast and, I would have thought, difficult to housetrain. Still, this one seemed quite affectionate. I asked Mr Palmer what he fed the sheep on. The answer was sprouts and carrots.

These days vets have to cope with all kinds of animals as well as the traditional cats and dogs. I’ve seen lizards, snakes, a monkey and vietnamese pig in various waiting rooms during various visits to various vets over the years.

The funniest thing I ever saw, though, wasn’t the sheep but a huge dog; a Great Dane no less. This enormous animal came  into the vet’s surgery with a little old lady in tow. She was like a character out of an old Ealing comedy and the dog was at least shoulder high to her. I thought she could probably ride around on it like a horse.

As they entered, a small dog barked and the Great Dane freaked out and started bounding around the room, knocking over a stand covered in pet treats and toys and generally causing a commotion. The old lady said “Brian! Calm down!”.

Brian. What a name for a Great Dane.