Archive for Cosmology

D+E+F+W=$500000

Posted in The Universe and Stuff with tags , , , , , , , on June 2, 2011 by telescoper

Just a quickie this fine summer morning to pass on the news – for those of you who haven’t heard yet – that this year’s Gruber Prize for Cosmology has been awarded to Marc Davis (Berkeley, USA), George Efstathiou (Cambridge, UK), Carlos Frenk (Durham, UK) and Simon White (Garching, Germany). This prestigious award is given for their pioneering work on the Cold Dark Matter model of structure formation, which included some of the first large-scale N-body computer simulations. The “Gang of Four” produced a number of papers during the 1980s that established the idea that galaxies form by hierarchical clustering from small initial fluctuations in a matter distribution dominated by massive collisionless non-baryonic particles, the most famous of their papers being pretty universally referred to as DEFW.

In fact, if you’ll forgive me going on a trip down memory lane, that paper, published in 1985, was one of the first papers I read when I started my research degree the same year at Sussex. It was back in the days when everyone seemed to use a VAX for big computing jobs and the simulations presented in that paper involved a mere 323 = 32768 particles. You could probably run that kind of simulation on a mobile phone these days!

This early work on Cold Dark Matter wasn’t the final word, of course. Subsequent observational evidence for an accelerating Universe resulting in our standard cosmological model being modifiel to include an additional (large) component of dark energy in addition to dark matter. Nevertheless, the core ideas presented by DEFW established the basic foundations of structure formation upon which the current standard model is built.

Incidentally, you can read an interesting account of the discovery of the accelerating universe here; a cosmologist by the name of “George F. Stathew” plays a prominent role in that piece and it’s curious I’ve never heard of him before now.

Each of the four winners gets a share of the $500000 Gruber Prize, i.e. in “normalized” terms, they get $125000 each. Why is it so controversial to suggest dividing citation counts the same way? The DEFW paper has about 1500 citations according to ADS, so I think it’s quite reasonable to award the authors 370-odd each towards their respective h-indices. That’s still a pretty good result by any bibliometric standard!

The four also get a Gold Medal each to wear at parties, although by my previous logic they should have to share one between them. Perhaps George might consider donating his to Arsenal Football Club, as their trophy cabinet is looking rather empty these days?

None of the winners are Australian undergraduates, so this award probably won’t be considered newsworthy by the mass media. Believe it or not, however, the Gruber Prize is held in even higher regard by cosmologists than the Templeton Prize, so I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate them myself for their thoroughly well-deserved honour!

Echo of Creation – the Trailer

Posted in Education, The Universe and Stuff with tags , , , on May 27, 2011 by telescoper

Each day I find myself pressed for time and unable to think of anything to post, something seems to come along to rescue me. I found this on Twitter this morning and couldn’t resist sharing it, partly because it’s a cute video in its own right, and partly because it gives me the chance to advertise the event that it trails. Here’s the film …

..and it advertises a forthcoming event at the Cheltenham Science Festival, featuring the excellent Andrew Pontzen who is based at the Institute of Astronomy in Cambridge. Andrew is not only a whizzkid cosmology theorist but also an excellent public speaker, so do go and see his lecture if you can. Here’s the blurb:

Billions of years after the birth of the Universe, scientists realised they could tune into an echo of creation itself using nothing more sophisticated than a de-tuned television set. Andrew Pontzen explains the cosmos’ ‘background noise’ with hula hoops, beach balls and amazing telescopic pictures. But hold onto your hats: all is not as it seems with space and time…

Sounds fascinating! The talk is on Saturday 11th June 2011, 10am at the Town Hall in Cheltenham. You can book tickets here.

The Cosmos according to Disney

Posted in The Universe and Stuff with tags , , on May 25, 2011 by telescoper

Not really time for a proper post today but I’m grateful to one of my PhD students for coming to the rescue by pointing out this clip in which our own Professor Mike Disney tell us everything he knows about cosmology. The video lasts 2 minutes and 48 seconds.

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Can the CMB Alone Provide Evidence for Dark Energy? (via astrobites)

Posted in The Universe and Stuff with tags , , , on May 22, 2011 by telescoper

While I’m in reblogging mood I’ll try to send some traffic the way of this post, which is somewhat related to Friday’s one about the Wigglezeddy survey (or whatever it’s called)…

Can the CMB Alone Provide Evidence for Dark Energy? Paper Title: The Atacama Cosmology Telescope: Evidence for Dark Energy from the CMB Alone Authors: Blake D. Sherwin et al. 1st Author’s Affiliation: Dept. of Physics, Princeton University Introduction Continuing with Monday’s theme of cosmology, today’s astrobite features an ApJ Letter that describes new evidence for dark energy.  In the past decade a number of cosmological tests have been developed that show a need for a cosmological constant th … Read More

via astrobites

Dark Energy is Real. Really?

Posted in Astrohype, The Universe and Stuff with tags , , , , , on May 20, 2011 by telescoper

I don’t have much time to post today after spending all morning in a meeting about Assuring a Quality Experience in the Graduate College and in between reading project reports this afternoon.

However, I couldn’t resist a quickie just to draw your attention to a cosmology story that’s made it into the mass media, e.g. BBC Science. This concerns the recent publication of a couple of papers from the WiggleZ Dark Energy Survey which has used the Anglo-Australian Telescope. You can read a nice description of what WiggleZ (pronounced “Wiggle-Zee”) is all about here, but in essence it involves making two different sorts of measurements of how galaxies cluster in order to constrain the Universe’s geometry and dynamics. The first method is the “wiggle” bit, in that it depends on the imprint of baryon acoustic oscillations in the power-spectrum of galaxy clustering. The other involves analysing the peculiar motions of the galaxies by measuring the distortion of the clustering pattern introduced seen in redshift space; redshifts are usually denoted z in cosmology so that accounts for the “zee”.

The paper describing the results from the former method can be found here, while the second technique is described there.

This survey has been a major effort by an extensive team of astronomers: it has involved spectroscopic measurements of almost a quarter of a million galaxies, spread over 1000 square degrees on the sky, and has taken almost five years to complete. The results are consistent with the standard ΛCDM cosmological model, and in particular with the existence of the  dark energy that this model implies, but which we don’t have a theoretical explanation for.

This is all excellent stuff and it obviously lends further observational support to the standard model. However, I’m not sure I agree with the headline of press release put out by the WiggleZ team  Dark Energy is Real. I certainly agree that dark energy is a plausible explanation for a host of relevant observations, but do we really know for sure that it is “real”? Can we really be sure that there is no other explanation?  Wiggle Z has certainly produced evidence that’s sufficient to rule out some alternative models, but that’s not the same as proof.  I worry when scientists speak like this, with what sounds like certainty, about things that are far from proven. Just because nobody has thought of an alternative explanation doesn’t mean that none exists.

The problem is that a press release entitled “dark energy is real” is much more likely to be picked up by a newspaper radio or TV editor than one that says “dark energy remains best explanation”….

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The joy of viXra

Posted in The Universe and Stuff with tags , , , , , on May 19, 2011 by telescoper

From time to time on this blog I post rants about the state of scientific publishing, open access, the importance of the arXiv for astronomy and cosmology, and so on.

This morning, however, I discovered an “alternative” side to the whole business of online science, a site by the name of viXra. Most readers will probably be familiar with this site already – many no doubt publish there, in fact – but I have to say that it’s completely new to me. I urge you to check it out.

The structure and layout of viXra is almost identical to the arXiv, but the content is a bit … er … different. Naturally, I went straight for the section that mirrors astro-ph on the arXiv. The viXra version of astro-ph so far contains only 88 publications, but among them are papers of such outstanding quality that I’m sure this remarkable collection will grow very quickly when like-minded authors around the world find out about it.

I thought I’d post my favourite as an example. Initially, I was going to go with one entitled Ball Lightning, Micro Comets, Sprite-Fireballs and X-Ray/gamma Flashes According to Quantum FFF Theory, with the abstract

FUNCTION FOLLOWS FORM in Quantum FFF THEORY. The FORM and MICROSTRUCTURE of elementary particles, is supposed to be the origin of FUNCTIONAL differences between Higgs- Graviton- Photon- and Fermion particles. As a consequence, a NEW splitting, accelerating and pairing MASSLESS BLACK HOLE, able to convert vacuum energy (ZPE) into real energy by entropy decrease, seems to be able to explain quick Galaxy- and Star formation, down to Sunspots, (Micro) Comets, Lightning bolts, Sprite Fireballs and Ball Lightning.

I decided against this one, however, because of the tendency to burst inexplicably into upper case every now and again, which I found rather alarming.

I was also forced to reject this one, The Structuring Force of the Natural World, on the grounds that (a) it’s in Chinese so I can’t read it and (b) I don’t know what a “basket graph” is. Otherwise I’m sure its a splendid piece of work.

The assumption that the mass distribution of spiral galaxies is rational was suggested 11 years ago. The rationality means that on any spiral galaxy disk plane there exists a special net of orthogonal curves. The ratio of mass density at one side of a curve (from the net) to the one at the other side is constant along the curve. Such curve is called a proportion curve. Such net of curves is called an orthogonal net of proportion curves. I also suggested that the arms and rings are the disturbance to the rational structure. To achieve the minimal disturbance, the disturbing waves trace the orthogonal or non-orthogonal proportion curves. I proved 6 years ago that exponential disks and dual-handle structures are rational. Recently, I have also proved that rational structure satisfies a cubic algebraic equation. Based on these results, this paper ultimately demonstrates visually what the orthogonal net of proportion curves looks like if the superposition of a disk and dual-handle structures is still rational. That is, based on the natural solution of the equation, the rate of variance along the ‘radial’ direction of the logarithmic mass density is obtained. Its image is called the ‘basket graph’. The myth of galaxy structure will possibly be resolved based the further study of ‘basket graphs’.

In the end I decided to go for this impressive article, A Cantorian Superfluid Vortex and the Quantization of Planetary Motion

This article suggests a preliminary version of a Cantorian superfluid vortex hypothesis as a plausible model of nonlinear cosmology. Though some parts of the proposed theory resemble several elements of what have been proposed by Consoli (2000, 2002), Gibson (1999), Nottale (1996, 1997, 2001, 2002a), and Winterberg (2002b), it seems such a Cantorian superfluid vortex model instead of superfluid or vortex theory alone has never been proposed before. Implications of the proposed theory will be discussed subsequently, including prediction of some new outer planets in solar system beyond Pluto orbit. Therefore further observational data is recommended to falsify or verify these predictions. If the proposed hypothesis corresponds to the observed facts, then it could be used to solve certain unsolved problems, such as gravitation instability, clustering, vorticity and void formation in galaxies, and the distribution of planet orbits both in solar system and also exoplanets.

I’m not an expert on the “Cantorian superfluid vortex theory”, but I suspect the author may well be correct in saying that it has not previously been proposed as an explanation for the planetary orbits…

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Infinity or not Infinity?

Posted in The Universe and Stuff with tags , , , , , , on May 14, 2011 by telescoper

Most of us – whether scientists or not – have an uncomfortable time coping with the concept of infinity. Physicists have had a particularly difficult relationship with the notion of boundlessness, as various kinds of pesky infinities keep cropping up in calculations. In most cases this this symptomatic of deficiencies in the theoretical foundations of the subject. Think of the ‘ultraviolet catastrophe‘ of classical statistical mechanics, in which the electromagnetic radiation produced by a black body at a finite temperature is calculated to be infinitely intense at infinitely short wavelengths; this signalled the failure of classical statistical mechanics and ushered in the era of quantum mechanics about a hundred years ago. Quantum field theories have other forms of pathological behaviour, with mathematical components of the theory tending to run out of control to infinity unless they are healed using the technique of renormalization. The general theory of relativity predicts that singularities in which physical properties become infinite occur in the centre of black holes and in the Big Bang that kicked our Universe into existence. But even these are regarded as indications that we are missing a piece of the puzzle, rather than implying that somehow infinity is a part of nature itself.

The exception to this rule is the field of cosmology. Somehow it seems natural at least to consider the possibility that our cosmos might be infinite, either in extent or duration, or both, or perhaps even be a multiverse comprising an infinite collection of sub-universes. If the Universe is defined as everything that exists, why should it necessarily be finite? Why should there be some underlying principle that restricts it to a size our human brains can cope with?

On the other hand, there are cosmologists who won’t allow infinity into their view of the Universe. A prominent example is George Ellis, a strong critic of the multiverse idea in particular, who frequently quotes David Hilbert

The final result then is: nowhere is the infinite realized; it is neither present in nature nor admissible as a foundation in our rational thinking—a remarkable harmony between being and thought

But to every Hilbert there’s an equal and opposite Leibniz

I am so in favor of the actual infinite that instead of admitting that Nature abhors it, as is commonly said, I hold that Nature makes frequent use of it everywhere, in order to show more effectively the perfections of its Author.

You see that it’s an argument with quite a long pedigree!

When I was at the National Astronomy Meeting in Llandudno a few weeks ago, I attended an excellent plenary session that featured this year’s Gerald Whitrow Lecture, by Alex Vilenkin, entitled The Principle of Mediocrity. This was a talk based on some ideas from his book Many Worlds in One: The Search for Other Universese, in which he discusses some of the consequences of the so-called eternal inflation scenario, which leads to a variation of the multiverse idea in which the universe comprises an infinite collection of causally-disconnected “bubbles” with different laws of low-energy physics applying in each. Indeed, in Vilenkin’s vision, all possible configurations of all possible things are realised somewhere in this ensemble of mini-universes. An infinite number of National Astronomy Meetings, each with the same or different programmes, an infinite number of Vilenkins, etc etc.

One of the features of this scenario is that it brings the anthropic principle into play as a potential “explanation” for the apparent fine-tuning of our Universe that enables life to be sustained within it. We can only live in a domain wherein the laws of physics are compatible with life so it should be no surprise that’s what we find. There is an infinity of dead universes, but we don’t live there.

I’m not going to go on about the anthropic principle here, although it’s a subject that’s quite fun to write or, better still, give a talk about, especially if you enjoy winding people up! What I did want to say mention, though, is that Vilenkin correctly pointed out that three ingredients are needed to make this work:

  1. An infinite ensemble of realizations
  2. A discretizer
  3. A randomizer

Item 2 involves some sort of principle that ensures that the number of possible states of the system we’re talking about  is not infinite. A very simple example from  quantum physics might be the two spin states of an electron, up (↑) or down(↓). No “in-between” states are allowed, according to our tried-and-tested theories of quantum physics, so the state space is discrete.  In the more general context required for cosmology, the states are the allowed “laws of physics” ( i.e. possible  false vacuum configurations). The space of possible states is very much larger here, of course, and the theory that makes it discrete much less secure. In string theory, the number of false vacua is estimated at 10500. That’s certainly a very big number, but it’s not infinite so will do the job needed.

Item 3 requires a process that realizes every possible configuration across the ensemble in a “random” fashion. The word “random” is a bit problematic for me because I don’t really know what it’s supposed to mean. It’s a word that far too many scientists are content to hide behind, in my opinion. In this context, however, “random” really means that the assigning of states to elements in the ensemble must be ergodic, meaning that it must visit the entire state space with some probability. This is the kind of process that’s needed if an infinite collection of monkeys is indeed to type the (large but finite) complete works of shakespeare. It’s not enough that there be an infinite number and that the works of shakespeare be finite. The process of typing must also be ergodic.

Now it’s by no means obvious that monkeys would type ergodically. If, for example, they always hit two adjoining keys at the same time then the process would not be ergodic. Likewise it is by no means clear to me that the process of realizing the ensemble is ergodic. In fact I’m not even sure that there’s any process at all that “realizes” the string landscape. There’s a long and dangerous road from the (hypothetical) ensembles that exist even in standard quantum field theory to an actually existing “random” collection of observed things…

More generally, the mere fact that a mathematical solution of an equation can be derived does not mean that that equation describes anything that actually exists in nature. In this respect I agree with Alfred North Whitehead:

There is no more common error than to assume that, because prolonged and accurate mathematical calculations have been made, the application of the result to some fact of nature is absolutely certain.

It’s a quote I think some string theorists might benefit from reading!

Items 1, 2 and 3 are all needed to ensure that each particular configuration of the system is actually realized in nature. If we had an infinite number of realizations but with either infinite number of possible configurations or a non-ergodic selection mechanism then there’s no guarantee each possibility would actually happen. The success of this explanation consequently rests on quite stringent assumptions.

I’m a sceptic about this whole scheme for many reasons. First, I’m uncomfortable with infinity – that’s what you get for working with George Ellis, I guess. Second, and more importantly, I don’t understand string theory and am in any case unsure of the ontological status of the string landscape. Finally, although a large number of prominent cosmologists have waved their hands with commendable vigour, I have never seen anything even approaching a rigorous proof that eternal inflation does lead to realized infinity of  false vacua. If such a thing exists, I’d really like to hear about!

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Shooting at the Cosmic Circles

Posted in Astrohype, Bad Statistics, The Universe and Stuff with tags , , , , on May 11, 2011 by telescoper

Another brief update post of something that whizzed past while I was away and thought I’d mention now that I’m back.

Remember the (now infamous) paper by Gurzadyan and Penrose about evidence for the Conformal Cyclic Cosmology that I blogged about last year?

The original analysis was comprehensively dissected and refuted by a number of papers within a few days of its appearance – see here, here and here – only for Gurzadyan and Penrose to dig an even bigger hole for themselves with a nonsensical reply.

Undaunted, the dynamic duo of Gurzadyan and Penrose have produced yet another paper on the same subject which came out just as I was heading off on my hols.

There has subsequently been another riposte, by Eriksen and Wehus, although I suspect most cosmologists ceased to care about this whole story some time ago. Although it’s a pretty easy target, the Eriksen-Wehus reply does another comprehensive demolition job. The phrase “shooting fish in a barrel” sprang to my mind, but from facebook I learned that the equivalent idiomatic expression in Italian is sparare sulla Croce Rossa (i.e. shooting on the Red Cross). Perhaps we can add a brand new phrase for “taking aim at an easy target” – shooting at the cosmic circles!

I was struck, however, by the closing sentences of the abstract of Eriksen-Wehus reply:

Still, while this story is of little physical interest, it may have some important implications in terms of scienctific sociology: Looking back at the background papers leading up to the present series by Gurzadyan and Penrose, in particular one introducing the Kolmogorov statistic, we believe one can find evidence that a community based and open access referee process may be more efficient at rejecting incorrect results and claims than a traditional journal based approach.

I wholeheartedly agree. I’ve blogged already to the effect that academic journals are a waste of time and money and we’d be much better off with open access and vigorous internet scrutiny. It may be that this episode has just given us a glimpse of the future of scientific publishing.

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Gravity and Grace

Posted in Biographical, The Universe and Stuff with tags , , , , , on April 26, 2011 by telescoper

This morning I came across the following quotation, which is translated from the book Le Pesanteur et la Grace (i.e. “Gravity and Grace“), written in 1947 by French philosopher Simone Weil:

Science today must search for a source of inspiration higher than itself or it must perish.

Science offers only three points of interest: 1. technical applications; 2. as a game of chess; 3. as a way to God.

I’m not sure I agree with what is written, and in any case the options don’t seem to me to be mutually exclusive, but a number of things did strike me reading it.

For a start, and for what it’s worth, I do think science has value within itself, so I’m at odds a bit with the initial premise. On the other hand, science is a human activity and it therefore doesn’t stand apart from other thing humans are interested in.

Then there is the extent to which we now all have to pretend that pretty much the only point of interest in science is “1. technical applications”. I don’t believe that’s true, actually, and I’m worried that by continually saying that it is, scientists might be sowing the seeds of their own destruction.

And then there’s “the game of chess”. I’m actually hopeless at chess, but I understand this as representing some form of abstract mental challenge.  If that’s what it does mean, then I’d agree that’s probably what got me interested in science. I’ve always been pathologically interested in puzzles. When I look at galaxies and stars, I don’t tend to gaze at them in awe at their enormity or beauty, I just tend to wonder how they work and what they’re made of. I don’t really mind people having a sense of awe, of course, but there’s a danger that if we take that too far we end up being over-awed which might make us shy away from the biggest questions. To me the Universe is just a great big puzzle, though it’s actually rather a tough one. I’m still stuck on 1 across, in fact…

Finally, we have science as “a way to God”. I find it quite interesting that a Christian philosopher could present science as that, especially when so many of my atheistic colleagues regard science and religion as polar opposites. It seems likely to me that anyone who studies science primarily as a means of finding God is probably in for a disappointment. I’m reminded of a quote  from Thomas à Kempis I learned at school:

The humble knowledge of thyself is a surer way to God than the deepest search after science.

But that’s not to say that science and religion are incompatible with each other. I think they’re basically orthogonal, although in an abstract space with an extremely complicated geometry…

One of the interesting things about working in cosmology is that the big questions are very big indeed, which may be the reason why cosmologists tend to have strong views on matters of religion (and metaphysics in a general sense).  Just take the Templeton Prize, for example. The arguments about this year’s award to Lord (Martin) Rees are still simmering on, but it’s worth remembering that many recent winners of this prize, including John Barrow (my PhD supervisor, in fact) and  George Ellis (former collaborator of mine), are most noted for their work in cosmology. Both are religious: John Barrow is a member of the United Reformed Church, and George Ellis is a Quaker. Martin Rees is an atheist. But their religious views are not in conflict with their research. All are outstanding scientists.

I’ve been thinking a lot over the Easter holiday about religion and science. It’s partly the Templeton prize saga, partly the occasion of Easter itself, and partly the fact that I’ve been reading even more of the poems of R.S. Thomas. In case you didn’t know I was brought up in the (Anglican) Christian tradition, attended Sunday School, sang in the local Church Choir, and was confirmed in the Church of England. When I went to seconday school – the Royal Grammar School, Newcastle – I joined the Christian Union and remained in it for 3-4 years.

Although  I was immersed in Christianity – the Christian Union was vigorously Evangelical – it didn’t really stick and eventually all melted away.   I don’t really remember precisely what it was then that made me turn away from religion, although the sins of the flesh might have had something to do with it…

However, although I became an atheist I’ve never been a particularly devout one. The only thing that I’m really sure about is that I don’t know the answers. Does that make me an agnostic rather than an atheist? I don’t know. Perhaps I could just describe myself as a non-believer? That wouldn’t do either, because we all have to believe in some things in order to function at all. Even science starts with unprovable axioms.

A career in cosmology has given me the opportunity to think about many Big Questions. Why does the Universe have laws? Why is there something rather than nothing? And so on. I’m not much of a philosopher, though, and  I don’t have the answers. I do, however, refuse to take the easy way out by denying that the questions have meaning. Of course it’s not entirely satisfactory having to answer “I don’t know”, but I don’t agree with those of my atheist colleagues who think religion is an easy way out. I’m sure that a thinking Christian has just as many difficult issues to grapple with as a thinking atheist. Not thinking at all is the only really easy way out.

A few years ago I spoke at an interesting meeting in Cambridge entitled God or Multiverse? In fact there’s a picture below of the panel discussion at the end -I’m second from the right:

I thought it was an interesting dialogue, but I have to say that, if anything, it strengthened my non-belief. Prof. Keith Ward argued that the primary motivation for belief in God was the existence of “Good”. I have to admit that I find the Universe as a whole amoral and although humans have done good from time to time they have done evil in at least equal measure. The vast majority of people on this Earth live in poverty, many of them in abject misery. Good is a bad word to describe this state of affairs.

I just can’t accept the idea of a God that is interested in the Universe at the level of human beings. We’re so insignificant on the scale of the cosmos, that it seems very arrogant to me to suppose that it’s really got much to do with us. We appeared somehow, miraculously perhaps, but could disappear just as easily. I doubt the Universe would miss us much.

But I might be wrong.

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No Cox please, we’re British…

Posted in Television, The Universe and Stuff with tags , , , , , , , on March 29, 2011 by telescoper

The final episode of the BBC television series Wonders of the Universe was broadcast this weekend. Apparently it’s been incredibly popular, winning huge plaudits for its presenter Brian Cox, and perhaps inspiring the next generation of budding cosmologists the way Carl Sagan did thirty-odd years ago with his series Cosmos.

Grumpy old cosmologists (i.e. people like myself) who have watched it are a bit baffled by the peculiar choices of location – seemingly chosen simply in order to be expensive, without any relevance to the topic being discussed – the intrusive (and rather ghastly) music, and the personality cult generated by the constant focus on the dreamy-eyed presenter. But of course the series wasn’t made for people like us, so we’ve got no right to complain. If he does a great job getting the younger generation interested in science, then that’s enough for me. I can always watch Miss Marple on the other side instead.

But walking into work this morning I suddenly realised the real reason why I don’t really like Wonders of the Universe. It’s got nothing to do with the things I mentioned above. It’s because it’s just not British enough.

I’m not saying that Brian Cox isn’t British. Obviously he is. Although I do quibble with him being labelled as a “northerner”. Actually, he’s from Manchester. The North is in fact that part of England that extends southwards from the Scottish border to the Tyne. The Midlands start with Gateshead and include Yorkshire, Manchester and Liverpool and all those places whose inhabitants wish they were from the North, but aren’t really hard enough.

Anyway, I just put that bit in to inform non-British readers of this blog about the facts of UK geography. It’s not really relevant to the main point of the piece.

The problem with Wonders of the Universe is betrayed by its title. The word “wonders” suggests that the Universe is wonder-ful, or even, in a word which has cropped up in the series a few times, “awesome”. No authentic British person, and certainly not one who’s forty-something, would ever use the word “awesome” without being paid a lot of money to do so. It just doesn’t ring true.

I reckon it doesn’t do to be too impressed by anything on TV these days (especially if its accompanied by awful music), but there is a particularly good reason for not being taken in by all this talk about “Wonders”, and that is that the Universe is basically a load of rubbish.

Take this thing, for example.

It’s a galaxy (the Andromeda Nebula, M31, to be precise). We live in a similar article, in fact. Of course it looks quite pretty on the surface, but when you look at them with a physicist’s eye galaxies are really not all they’re cracked up to be.

We live in a relatively crowded part of our galaxy on a small planet orbiting a fairly insignificant star called the Sun. Now you’ve got me started on the Sun. I know it supplies the Earth with all its energy, but it does so pretty badly, all things considered. The Sun only radiates a fraction of a milliwatt per kilogram. That’s hopeless! Pound for pound, a human being radiates more than a thousand times as much. All in all, stars are drastically overrated: bloated, wasteful, inefficient and  not even slightly awesome. They’re only noticeable because they’re big. And we all know that size shouldn’t really matter.

But even in what purports to be an interesting neighbourhood of our Galaxy, the nearest star is 4.5 light years from the Sun. To get that in perspective, imagine the Sun is the size of a golfball. On the same scale, where is the nearest star?

The answer to that will probably surprise you, as it does my students when I give this example in lectures. The answer is, in fact, on the order of a thousand kilometres away. That’s the distance from Cardiff to, say, Munich. What a dull landscape our Galaxy possesses. In between one little golf ball in Wales and another one in Germany there’s nothing of any interest at all, just a featureless incomprehensible void not worthy of the most perfunctory second thought; it’s usually called France.

So galaxies aren’t dazzlingly beautiful jewels of the heavens. They’re flimsy, insubstantial things more like the cheap tat you can find on QVC. What’s worse is that they’re also full of a grubby mixture of soot and dust. Indeed, some are so filthy that you can hardly see any stars at all. Somebody needs to give the Universe a good clean. I suppose you just can’t get the help these days.

And then there’s the Big Bang. Well, I don’t need to go on about that because I’ve already posted about it. Suffice to say that the Big Bang wasn’t anywhere near as Big as you’ve been led to believe. The volume was between about 115 and 120 decibels. Quite loud, but many rock concerts are louder. Very disappointing. If I’d been in charge I would have put on something much more spectacular.

In any case the Big Bang happened a very long time ago. The Universe is now a cold and desolate place, lit by a few feeble stars and warmed only by the fading glow of the heat given off when it was all so much younger and more exciting. It’s as if we inhabit a shabby downmarket retirement home, warmed only by the feeble radiation given off by a puny electric fire as we occupy ourselves as best we can until Armageddon comes.

No, the Universe isn’t wonderful at all. In fact, it’s basically a bit crummy. It’s only superficially impressive because it’s quite large, and it doesn’t do to be impressed by things just because they are large. That would be vulgar.

Digression: I just remembered a story about a loudmouthed Texan who owned a big ranch and who was visiting the English countryside on holiday. Chatting to locals in the village pub he boasted that it took him several days to drive around his ranch. A farmer replied “Yes. I used to have a car like that.”

We British just don’t like showy things. It’s in our genes. We’re fundamentally a rather drab and dowdy race. We don’t really enjoy being astonished either. We prefer things we can find fault with over things that intimidate us with their splendour. We’re much more likely to tut disapprovingly than stare open-mouthed in amazement at something that seems pointlessly ostentatious. If pushed, we might even write a letter of complaint to the Council.

Ultimately, however, the fact is that whatever we think about it, we’re stuck with it. Just like the trains, the government and the weather. Nothing we can do about it, so we might as well just soldier on. That’s the British way.

So you can rest assured that none of this Wonders of the Universe stuff will distract us for long from getting on with the important things in life, such as watching Coronation Street.

Professor Brian Cox is 43.


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